The Co-Parenting Mistake That Quietly Puts Kids in the Middle
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice. Always consult with a licensed professional for guidance tailored to your unique situation.
Parents going through divorce often carry one enormous fear: What is this going to do to my kids?
There is no realistic way to make a major family change completely painless for a child. But pain and lasting damage are not the same thing.
On Untying The Knot, MOMnation founder and Team Evo AZ associate broker Katie Halle Lambert and Here Comes the Sunshine founder Miranda Rae sat down with Laura Wood founder of Benevieri Counseling,professional counselor, and board-approved clinical supervisor, to talk about helping kids through divorce with greater honesty, safety, and connection.
One of Laura’s central reminders was reassuring in its simplicity: children do not need parents who can prevent every uncomfortable emotion. They need adults who can remain present while those emotions happen.
Helping Kids Through Divorce Starts With Emotional Safety
According to Laura, the best-case scenario for a child is being able to maintain healthy relationships with both parents.
That can become much more difficult when one parent’s hurt, anger, or resentment toward the other parent begins spilling into the child’s relationship with them.
Children need to know they are safe with the adults caring for them. They also need room to belong in both parts of their family without feeling responsible for protecting one parent’s feelings.
That does not require pretending the divorce is easy.
A parent can acknowledge, “This is really hard,” without giving a child adult details, assigning blame, or expecting the child to make the parent feel better.
Your Child Is Allowed to Be Hurt
Parents naturally want to make their children feel better. When they were babies, fixing discomfort was often part of the job. As children grow, however, not every painful feeling needs to be removed.
Laura explained that there is no version of divorce in which children are guaranteed never to hurt.
What matters is how the adults respond to that hurt.
A child can experience sadness, anger, disappointment, or anxiety while also having a supportive parent beside them saying, in effect, “I see that this hurts. Your feelings are allowed. I am still here.”
Trying to force children to be okay can unintentionally teach them that difficult emotions are unacceptable or that making other people comfortable matters more than expressing what they genuinely feel.
Instead of immediately fixing the problem, Laura suggested slowing down and naming what is happening.
“You’re feeling really sad right now.”
Then be there.
Sometimes presence is the intervention.
Be Careful Not to Create a Team Against the Other Parent
One of the quieter co-parenting mistakes discussed in the conversation was triangulation.
It does not always look like openly criticizing an ex.
A child might say, “I hate going to Dad’s house,” and a parent might respond, “I know. I wish you didn’t have to go either.”
The parent may believe they are simply validating the child. But repeatedly joining the child against the other household can create an unhealthy dynamic.
The child may begin learning that criticizing the other parent produces extra closeness, attention, or approval. Over time, that can place the child directly in the middle of an adult relationship.
A healthier response is to become curious.
Why does the child not want to go? What feels hard? What happened? What are they worried about?
You can validate the emotion without reinforcing the idea that the other parent is the enemy.
Answer Hard Questions Without Turning Them Into a Defense of Yourself
Children’s questions about divorce can sting.
Laura shared that one of her sons, after turning 18, asked why she had “broken up” their family by moving away after the divorce.
She could have immediately defended herself or focused on where he had gotten that version of events. Instead, she recognized that the question contained information about his experience.
He was hurting.
That changed what the conversation needed to be about.
Laura recommends beginning conversations about the reasons for divorce with the reminder that adult relationships are complicated. Depending on a child’s age, parents can explain that relationships sometimes change, people may grow apart, or adults may decide living separately is healthier.
Children do not need to be recruited into deciding who was right.
Their relationship with each parent will ultimately be shaped far more by how they experience that parent than by a campaign to explain which adult was responsible for the divorce.
Make Room for Bonus Parents Without Making Kids Choose
Blended families can bring another layer of complicated emotions.
A child may genuinely like a stepmom, stepdad, or another adult in their parent’s life. For the other biological parent, hearing how much fun the child had with that person may bring up insecurity or grief.
Those feelings belong with adults, not with the child.
Laura described times when her children came home excited about holiday traditions their stepmother created. Her job was to hear the underlying message: I had a good experience. I felt cared about. I enjoyed myself.
Rejecting that connection because of her own feelings would also have risked making the children feel as though part of their experience was being rejected.
A bonus adult who genuinely loves and cares for a child can be an addition to that child’s support system, not a replacement for Mom or Dad.
Watch for Changes That Suggest Your Child Needs More Support
Some adjustment is expected when family life changes, but parents should pay attention when a child begins behaving noticeably differently.
Laura suggested watching for changes such as:
becoming unusually withdrawn or disconnected
increased anxiety or panic
trouble sleeping or sleeping significantly more
becoming unusually clingy
appetite changes
declining hygiene or grooming
changes in friendships or social habits
behavior that is noticeably more irresponsible or out of character
Some of these behaviors can also be part of normal development, especially during adolescence. That is why context matters.
Parents can check in with a pediatrician, counselor, or other trusted professional when they are unsure. Laura also noted that if significant difficulties continue well beyond the initial adjustment period, professional support may be appropriate.
Kids Need Parents to Have Adult Support Systems
Children also benefit when their parents have people of their own.
Divorce can bring grief, financial concerns, anger, loneliness, relationship questions, and sheer exhaustion. Those are real experiences, but children should not become their parent’s primary emotional support system.
Laura encouraged parents to intentionally develop relationships with trusted friends, community members, or professionals who can hold the adult-sized parts of the experience.
AI tools may provide a place to organize thoughts or bounce around ideas, but the conversation emphasized that technology cannot replace genuine human connection and belonging.
For parents who feel isolated, finding community may require moving outside a familiar comfort zone. That could mean joining a group, reconnecting with friends, meeting someone for coffee, or finding people who understand the season you are navigating.
🎧 Watch Untying the Knot Conversation 🎧
Hear Katie Halle Lambert, Miranda Rae, and Laura Wood talk more about difficult questions from kids, blended-family relationships, mom guilt, behavior changes to watch for, emotional support, and how parents can stay connected without expecting themselves to make divorce painless.
💜 Related MOMnation Conversations 💜
For a deeper look at children using AI for emotional support and why human connection still matters, watch this Mental Wealth conversation about kids and AI:
https://youtube.com/live/MzB_znQurnc
If building an adult support system feels like the missing piece, this Her Inner Circle episode shares ideas for finding friendships, developing community, and creating stronger connections:
https://www.youtube.com/live/BBKYZtzGy-U?si=Kll1hBEgfFJ7QuGw
💜 Connect With katie Halle Lambert and Miranda Rae💜
Miranda Rae: https://herecomesthesunshine.com/
Katie Halle Lambert: https://www.facebook.com/KatieHalleLambert
Laura Wood:https://www.facebook.com/Benavieri
💜 Join The Divorce Community on Facebook💜
https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1C8ov42WUT/
If this conversation could help another mom support her kids through divorce with more connection, understanding, and emotional safety, share it with her. 💛
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Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional advice. Always consult with a licensed professional for guidance tailored to your unique situation.
