Grieving a Friend: The Loss We Don’t Talk About Enough

Oct 3

Losing a close friend can change the shape of everyday life.

There are the obvious reminders, like birthdays, favorite restaurants, and traditions you shared. Then there are the quieter losses: the person you would have texted first, the stories only they understood, the version of yourself that existed when you were together.

Grieving the loss of a friend can also feel complicated because friendship grief does not always have a clearly defined place. You may be devastated while also wondering how much space you are “allowed” to take when a spouse, parent, child, or other family member is grieving too.

On Her Inner Circle, MOMnation founder and host Katie Halle Lambert welcomed new co-host Jenn Stone of Finishing Well at EOL, LLC for a conversation about losing a close friend, supporting the people who loved them, and finding meaningful ways to continue carrying that friendship forward.

Why Grieving the Loss of a Friend Can Feel So Different

Jenn described friendship as a relationship we actively choose.

Unlike the family we are born into, close friends enter our lives because both people continue choosing the relationship. That can create a unique kind of intimacy. Friends may know pieces of our lives, personalities, histories, and private thoughts that other people do not.

There is another layer when the friend who dies is around your own age.

Jenn shared the experience of learning that her first boyfriend had died years after they dated. Although they were no longer close, his death was difficult to process because he had been someone near her own age who had once been a meaningful part of her life.

Jenn explained that losing a peer can bring your own mortality into focus in a way you may not have expected.

When someone who feels like your contemporary is suddenly gone, your brain may need time to adjust to a reality that simply does not make sense yet.

Confusion, Anger, Fear, and Relief Can All Be Part of Grief

There is no single emotional response to loss.

With an unexpected death, Jenn said people may experience disbelief, confusion, brain fog, or a sense that life does not feel real. There may also be anger about what happened or fear about what the loss means for your own life and the people you love.

A death that follows a long illness can bring another emotion people sometimes struggle to admit: relief.

Katie talked about losing a friend who had been very sick and recognizing some relief in knowing that her friend was no longer experiencing pain, medical appointments, tests, needles, and the anxiety surrounding her illness.

Jenn also shared her experience caring for her grandmother, who had dementia, at the end of her life. After a period of anticipatory grief and round-the-clock caregiving, relief was part of Jenn’s grief when her grandmother died.

That relief does not erase love.

As Jenn explained, deep love and relief can exist at the same time.

Friends Are Allowed to Grieve Deeply Too

One of the difficult parts of losing a friend is figuring out where you belong in the grieving process.

Katie described feeling this tension after losing two friends. She wanted to support their immediate families without imposing on their grief, while also recognizing that she was grieving deeply herself.

Jenn encouraged people not to minimize their own grief simply because they were “only” a friend.

At the same time, she noted that depending on your relationship with the family, it may be healthier to lean on your own support system rather than expecting the grieving family to support you too.

Both things can be true: you can respect the needs of the immediate family and still acknowledge that the loss has profoundly affected you.

How to Support Someone When You Don’t Know What to Say

People often want to help after a death but freeze because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Sometimes the most honest words are simply, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”

Jenn emphasized that grieving people may not know what they need, especially when they are overwhelmed or experiencing brain fog. Rather than demanding an answer to “What can I do?”, supportive friends can sometimes take care of small, practical needs.

That might mean bringing a meal, leaving food or flowers at the door, sending a food-delivery gift card, or finding another thoughtful way to reduce the everyday responsibilities that can feel overwhelming during intense grief.

Communication matters too.

Jenn suggested asking whether the person wants company, wants to talk about their loved one, needs some space, or could use help finding additional support. The goal is not to pressure someone into answering. It is to let them know options are available.

Some Common Comforting Phrases Can Actually Minimize Grief

When someone is hurting, people naturally reach for reassuring words. But Jenn cautioned against statements beginning with “at least.”

“At least they’re in a better place.”

“At least they aren’t suffering.”

“At least you got to say goodbye.”

Even when those statements are well intentioned, what follows “at least” can unintentionally minimize the pain the grieving person is experiencing.

The same can happen when we immediately compare someone else’s grief with our own story.

Instead, Jenn encouraged simply acknowledging the pain and being willing to sit with someone without trying to fix it.

Silence is allowed.

Tears are allowed.

Saying the person’s name is allowed too. Someone who has lost a person they love has not forgotten that they died. Speaking their name can acknowledge both the loss and the relationship that existed.

You Don’t Have to “Move On” From a Friendship

Katie raised a question that may resonate with anyone who has lost a close friend: How do you keep being their friend when they are no longer physically here?

Jenn offered several possibilities.

Some people continue talking to the person who died. Others write letters to them. Jenn even shared the idea of writing a response based on what you know your friend might have said.

Rituals can also keep the connection meaningful.

You might recognize their birthday, visit a restaurant or coffee shop you loved together, celebrate them during a favorite holiday, or continue an activity that brought you both joy.

There is no requirement that honoring someone must center on the anniversary of their death.

The goal is to find something that reflects the relationship you actually had.

For Katie, that idea mattered because she did not want losing her friends to mean that she had to stop being their friend.

Grief Is Not Limited to Death

Near the end of the conversation, Jenn broadened the definition of grief.

Loss can accompany many life transitions, including divorce, relocating, losing a job, changes in identity, or entering a new stage of parenting.

Even sending a child to college can involve grief. You can be excited about what comes next while still mourning a chapter of life that has ended.

Katie connected that idea to a recent conversation on MOMnation’s divorce-related podcast, Untying the Knot, where they discussed the tendency to compare grief and decide that your experience should not hurt because someone else had it worse.

But minimizing your own loss does not necessarily make the feelings disappear.

Giving grief space, whether the loss feels enormous or comparatively small, can be part of acknowledging what changed and what mattered to you.

Grief Support With Jenn Stone

Jenn Stone hosts a free monthly grief support group in the Mesa area on the second Sunday of every month. The group welcomes different sources of grief and different spiritual paths.

Jenn also invites people to Life Support: A Sacred Space for Grief and Growth, a group created to hold space for grief while encouraging reflection and personal growth.

Life Support: A Sacred Space for Grief and Growth:
https://www.facebook.com/events/4658477021137198/

Connect with Jenn Stone of Finishing Well at EOL, LLC:
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61557273786437

🎧 Watch Her Inner Circle Conversation 🎧

Hear Katie Halle Lambert and Jenn Stone talk more about friendship grief, supporting grieving families, the emotions that can surface after both expected and unexpected loss, and ways to maintain a meaningful connection with a friend who has died.